I Love My Boyfriend but He Values Money and Freedom More Than Me.

My marriage lasted for 26 years and was ultimately a very lonely place. I met someone new and exciting who I had a lot more in common with. I ended my marriage as soon as I realized what was happening, and there was no overlap.

However, I walked away from a lot of security to be with someone who is rich but has made it clear that he doesn’t want to get married and that his money is his and mine is mine.

Despite earning 5 times what I do and having no mortgage or loans, he still wants me to go halves on everything. Because of his circumstances, he actually doesn’t really have any household bills and I buy nearly all of our food. I do love him very much, we have a great time together, in a way I never did in my marriage. I also gave up my own business in order to help out with his ‘charity’ – hence low earnings. He has other income apart from work. I have left a few times, but he has always come and begged me to come back and cried.

But the finances are a sticking point, which makes me feel that this is the most important thing in his life. I am not materialistic or greedy, I just feel that for this to really have a chance, I need to be the thing that he values most or it won’t get off the starting blocks.

I am 50, he is 62. I am not afraid of being alone, or having to find another job, but I don’t want to throw away something that feels very good when it is good. But I worry about whether there is enough substance behind it.

I just want someone to tell me what to do, this has been burning a hole in my head for so long now.

-Jackie

Thanks for your question, Jackie. Sounds rough. And while I’m well-aware of the limitations of giving important relationship advice to a stranger after a 400-word email, I’m going to do what you requested and tell you exactly what to do.

But first, allow me to point out that you have fallen victim to one of the oldest dating traps around: the false dichotomy.

Allow me to point out that you have fallen victim to one of the oldest dating traps around: the false dichotomy.

You left your lonely marriage for a more exciting relationship.

Your more exciting relationship was doomed from the start because he TOLD you he doesn’t want to get married and his money is his money.

And yet you pose this question almost as if these are your only two choices in the world.

They’re not. There are an infinite number of men besides these two. And I would highly encourage you to explore a bunch of them in the not-so-distant future.

You traded comfort for passion, as many do, not accounting for the fact that there are often significant tradeoffs that come with passion. Namely, the LACK of comfort you’re currently experiencing.

That doesn’t mean you should remain trapped in a bad marriage, but it does mean you should re-evaluate what you actually want out of life.

If you’re like most people, it’s not an either/or, it’s a both/and.

You need more attraction and fun than your first marriage.
You need more security and comfort than your current relationship.

But that means you’re going to have to exit this “relationship” pronto, instead of getting seduced by how good things are when they’re good.

Great relationships are consistently good. They consistently make you happy. They provide a foundation that undergirds everything you do in life. Your man either can’t do that or won’t do that, and frankly, it doesn’t matter which.

Great relationships are consistently good. They consistently make you happy.

You put your life on hold, left your marriage, and quit your job to pursue this high-chemistry affair with a selfish, successful guy who doesn’t want to be your husband.

Now it’s time to undo that and start your next act, at age 50, with a roadmap to unconditional love. The clock is ticking and the ball is in your court.

And to any of our other readers, if you’re in a relationship where your needs aren’t getting met, you need the confidence to know that YOU CAN DO BETTER.